A LIFE IN TURMOIL
As I read the Word and spent time in prayer, I searched for confirmation of God's promise. At times I would weep on the way home from work and silently weep in my pillow at night. I worried because I couldn't meet the needs of my wife and children; I worried because I couldn't meet my own needs. I knew that the anxiety, which racked my body, was taking its toll. I had no one who could understand the depth of the turmoil I endured, and most of the time I didn't believe God understood or cared.
In my agony of soul, I searched the Bible for additional light on what God wanted me to do, little realizing that He was first interested in what He wanted me to be. Nevertheless, He was faithful to give me something to hold on to while He continued His processing. It was destined to be nineteen more painful months before release from bondage was to come. The following are some of the words from the Lord, which I grasped for varying lengths of time as the tunnel became blacker and longer.
Remember ye not the former things neither consider the things of old. Behold I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
…Yea, I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; I have purposed it, I will also do it.
For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded; therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie; though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
Take heed to the ministry which thou has received in the Lord, that thou fulfill it.
There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his.
I Samuel 12:16:
Now therefore stand and see this great thing, which the Lord will do before your eyes.
For consider him … lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.
I Samuel 10:6:
And the Spirit of the Lord will come upon thee, and thou shalt prophecy with them, and shalt be turned into another man.
In November, 1964, my psychosomatic symptoms were diagnosed by a neurologist as multiple sclerosis but a spinal tap during hospitalization failed to support his diagnosis. I was privately disappointed that it was not cancer so I could get an honorable discharge from life. Many times prior to this I had envied senior citizens who had ‘made it through’ and didn't have to fight it much longer.
Isaiah 40:26: (In the hospital)
Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these things, that bringeth out their host by number; he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that he is strong in power; not one faileth.
Isaiah 42:16: (After the hospital)
And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them and not forsake them.
Fear not, for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame.